Being Just Me

Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled to find my place…within my family, my peers, my colleagues, even my culture. Because of this, I feel that I’ve forgotten who I really am, or worse, maybe I’ve never given myself the opportunity to find out. I feel as if through the years, I’ve played different characters in this story we call life. Growing up I was the confused middle child. I’ve been the teacher’s pet, the nerd, the weirdo, the depressing one, the happy one, the funny one. I feel like I’ve played them all except the ones that I really long to be…the wife, the mother, the inspirational one.

I believe everyone knows their basic likes and dislikes, but do we really spend the time thinking about what we want out of life? I don’t think I ever have. Sure, I’ve made up some interesting nonsense when asked deep philosophical questions on applications or at various interviews, but I’m not sure I’ve ever really believed any of it. I was once asked what I was passionate about…I couldn’t answer that question on the spot. I thought about it over the next couple of days, and I came up with...nothing. I decided that maybe I’m just not a passionate person. Another time, I was asked to write down my personal philosophy. Again…nothing. I ended up asking friends theirs and just combined and reworded them to make a statement that I thought others would find acceptable.

So now I’m sitting here thinking about this title, “Being Just Me” and I wonder if I really know how to do that. I’ve given up on pretending to fit in to some extent, but I still find myself trying to please everyone. I want to be the good daughter, the great teacher, the dependable sister; but I realize that I fall short in every category. I’ve decided to focus on getting to know myself this year. I feel that writing is good start. Who knows, maybe I’ll even discover my passion, my personal philosophy, or if nothing else…I’ll know how to be just me.

Areli Realizada

¿Cuántas veces he dicho lo mismo? Ya perdí la cuenta. Intento desarrollar mi “yo” ideal y siento que no he avanzado mucho. Estoy estancada en el pasado. Cada año pienso que el coraje, la esperanza, el deseo, o algún otro sentimiento poderoso y fugaz pondrán en marcha mi avance a la Areli que puedo llegar a ser, pero que permanece eternamente fuera de mi alcance. Esa Areli queda atrapada en un pensamiento; recordada solo de vez en cuando, cada vez que alguna motivación externa remueve su existencia.

El pasado esta saturado de apatía, soledad, tristeza, y desesperación. Vivía sin ningún consuelo. Anhelaba desaparecer porque sentía que de todos modos era invisible…insignificante. De un tiempo para acá me he ido descubriendo. Las capas de dolor se han ido disipando poco a poco hasta dejar un ser moldeable, pero incompleto. Ahora intento reconstruirme a esa mujer que hasta hora se ha mantenido irrealizable.

¿Será el 2009, el año vencedor? ¿Podré mantener la fortaleza para rescatar y formar una nueva “yo”? Tratare de aferrarme a un sentimiento momentáneo para construir la base que sostendrá mi cambio continuo. Luchare por conectarme con esa persona que hasta ahora solo se ha manifestado en mis sueños. Y al final del 2009, ¿Podrás reconocer a Areli cambiada y realizada? ¡Eso espero!